We are not going to have more children. We. Are not. Going. To have more children. WE ARE NOT GOING TO HAVE MORE CHILDREN! It's hard to believe. Even as I type it, I ask myself if that's what I really want.
On one hand, the words "Fuck. Yes" resonate--echoing--inside my head. My heart hurts however. The constant battle between logic and emotions--and I've always allowed emotions to impact my decisions. But not this time.
We are not going to have more children.
I think my struggle is that I've wanted children for so long that I don't know how to not wan children. That's new for me. Before we had my son, my heart had been hoping and praying to get pregnant. Then we did and I spent the entire pregnancy terrified that at any moment, I was going to lose my little miracle. I was angry and depressed all of the time, my husband could never give me enough attention, enough love, enough of anything for fear for my unborn baby's life. My son has always been a challenge, through no fault of my own. It's my own flaws that keep me from enjoying every moment with him--no that I do not enjoy my son's presence. Quite the opposite, in fact. But my son is an extrovert and I am an extreme introvert by nature and he simply drains me of my energy too fast. Rare are the days that my son is able to sustain a low enough demeanor for our interactions to be anything BUT draining.
Then he'll crack a smile or make a joke and suddenly I am rejuvenated enough that I can meet him at his level without needing to sneak away to the bathroom for a moment of silence. Those moments are my version of a "power nap". Then I exit the restroom and it's back to whatever activity has captured my son's attention.
I made my peace shortly after my son was born that if we never had another child, I would be okay. One was enough for me--I often wonder if it wasn't this thought and attitude that helped create my son's personality. I'm chuckling as I type this. His personality is as if he exhibited the personalities of the four children I previously thought I once wanted. My argument had always been that if I only ever had my son, I wanted to indulge at every turn because I would never get another chance too. My son lives on indulgence. Anyway . . .
I made peace with only one child. As my son approached the age of five, my husband and I began to discuss the idea of purposefully blocking any chance of another child--putting ourselves back on birth control. My son was five; we'd successfully raised a strong, potty trained toddler who slept through the night and did we even want to start over again?
Of course, as the saying goes, it wasn't long after we began those talks that suddenly, I was finally pregnant again. This time, a little girl.
I wish I could tell you her name, I won't but it's a very beautiful name but then again, I'm biased. Already know, even at 2.5 months, that her personality is the complete opposite of her brother's. They say not to compare children but honestly, it's inevitable when your only experience is your other child. She's gentle. Like me. Or how I used to be.
The getting up in the middle of the night is a bitch, though. Hahahaha. Excuse the exhausted laughing. I miss sleeping through the night. Which is a weird statement coming from someone who used to stay awake until 3 am and then work a full 10 hour day in the pharmacy. Now I'm awake until 1 am and suffer the regret every morning at that 4-5 am feeding. But I value my alone time--like now.
Discussing this with my friend the other day and she said (paraphrasing) "You're at a point where you're going to have to consider your age and make some decisions."
For real? I'm only [in my early thirties] and this is the second time, in as many months, that someone has focused on my age and made some suggestions. Don't get me wrong, I'm not angry but my mindset is that I am still young and being reminded of my mortality had made me think honestly about a few decisions.
We are not going to have more children.
I'm truly okay with that and I wish I wasn't. I wish I wanted more. Why? Well, like I said early, I've wanted children since 2011 and entering into 2021--ten years later--it's been so long, it seems like I am betraying a part of myself.
Making that decision has reflected in my behavior. I am enjoying more moments with my daughter because I know she'll be my last. With my son, I just wanted to give him everything and be the proverbial apple pie mom but for her, I just want to remember the smell and feel of her hair. I want to record her cooing and cuddle her while I sing to her. So far, her favorite music is Hamilton and I am always more than happy to sing to her. Right now our favorites are "What'd I Miss?" and "The Schuyler Sisters".
She's the Jem of my eye and DK is the heart in my smile. I love my children but . . .
We are not going to have more children.
